Jule 23, 2009

"When we lower our expectations of life to avoid the pain of disapointment, we forfit part of the image of God in us. To accept crime and poilitical corruption because they have always been part of society is to give up too easily. Yes, it will spare us much anguish and frustration, but at what cost? To become less attached to my children, less ambitious about my work becuase life is unfair and unpredictable immunizes me against the pain but also serves to rob me of great hope and great joy."
Kushner, H-When All You've ever Wanted Isn't Enough, pg. 92

I've spent most of my life creating a self that has learned to be free from emotional pain and disappointment. As one growns in the midst of an unstable childhood, constantly moving and having to adapt, this skill proves to be quite handy. One learns in time to quickly evaluate one's enviroment and mold to it without causing any disturbance. I have come to expect less, want less, as an exchange for hurting less. The expression, "it's ok, don't worry about it..." when relationships fail me, expectations fall through, has been heavily greased with the oitment of defense mechanisms. Even thought it lingers in my mind I have learned to not feel, not cry, not show any signs of dependability or expectations, so that I may live and be free from pain. The only problem is that there is no boundary between those feelings we chose to numb and those we nurture for growth. They all die with time. It is a kind of lepresy, that numbs, deteriorates, and eventualy falls off. As well as I have lerned to protect myself, I have also dimished my strength to love, feel, laugh, be genuine, enjoy the simple things, and accept that which is good and bad within me. My fulfillment is manifested in accomplishments, which is always short lived. The carrot at the end of a stick.
Maybe I ought to revist my defenses, the filters that allow me to engage. Maybe, I should just take it all in, at least I am not pulling the weed and the flower at the same time. Maybe, to truly love and live one has to walk through the valley of death to know to be awakened to life is. Maybe...